Stella Dies Free
by TheGirlWithFarTooManyIdeas
Summary: Stella Lousieer. One of the second generation Extended. Conditioned for combat. Doomed to die. However, a chance meeting with a boy triggers memories that had been stolen from her...as Stella reclaims bits and pieces of her identity, she faces down the world and the war that stole her life, and swears that when the dust settles, no child will share her fate again. Shinn/Stella
1. Chapter 1

**Stella Dies Free**

 _ **Me: (pushing a door shut; behind that door are a thousand rabid bunnies) Damn it! Let me finish something first! (one bunny, a golden one, slips past my ankles) Goddamn! Evil brain!**_

 _ **Stella: (picks up bunny) Aww. Its cute...and it wants me to get better!**_

 _ **Me: (manages to shut door) Ah, right...that one. Stella, I really like you, but the moment you and Shinn crashed into each other I KNEW you stank of death. (Stella pouts) Sorry sweetie, but you were stuck with the 'Artificial Newtype Girl' role, handed down from your predecessor Four Murasame. And frankly...ugh. If you have to die, damn it, I want you to go out with some agency...not as a hapless victim. I want to make a more meaningful, powerful figure out of someone who's always a victim. Hence...the bunny.**_

 _ **Stella: (sad) I'll still die?**_

 _ **Me: That remains to be seen...but we can't escape tragedy all the time.**_

 _ **Stella: But I'll destroy the monsters?**_

 _ **Me: You better believe it.**_

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Seed/Destiny**

 **Chapter 1: An Awakening**

 _ ****~On Board the Minerva, three days after Lodonia~****_

 _I don't want to die._

That thought had rattled around Stella Lousieer's head so many times over the past several years. It had been screamed, torn from her, embedded in her conscience by drugs and torture and suffering. Ever since she was a child, it was the only consistent thought that she remembered. The mindwipes never took that away; it was her block word, her curse, and sometimes it was the only thing that kept her standing when people tried to kill her and when she killed them.

Well, not _kill –_ that's why she used a knife. When she threw a knife or stabbed someone, they would keel over and it was as if they were asleep, not dead. Since the thought of death risked triggering her block as much as the word itself did.

 _I...don't want to die._

She remembered falling from the cliff, flailing helplessly in the water. The darkness of the ocean seemed to engulf her and swallow her whole.

 _I don't want to die!_

The thing was...sometimes Stella didn't remember _why_ she didn't want to die. Only Neo and Sting and Auel were waiting for her, cared if she was gone. Whenever she went out into the world, there was always blood and machine gun fire and explosions and fire. There was never any peace or gentleness. Why was she afraid of dying? Was it because...she was afraid of more pain?

But...for a moment...the dark of the water had seemed comforting. Like everything...like all the pain was fading away.

Then a pair of arms had wrapped around her back and pulled her back towards the surface. Someone had answered her cry of pain and desperation and fear, something she had never remembered happening before.

 _I'm...alive...?_

Pulling her back to the surface, back to the warm, blazing sunset, back towards life.

" _ **Are you trying to die, you twit?!** "_

He hadn't meant it that way – he'd been angry because he was worried about her, he told her some time after she woke up in this place. He had seen her just walk off the side of the cliff, too dazed and in her own world to realize how close to the edge she was. He'd been angry because he had thought she was being careless and thoughtless with her life. That, and he had been somewhat concerned...he was never good at showing it.

He switched tunes the minute she panicked at the sound of her block word.

" _ **I'm sorry. You're not going to die."**_

And then he'd embraced her.

No one had ever hugged her. No one.

She'd never felt anything like it. Suddenly all that pain and fear that was always in her chest...just disappeared. She felt warm. She felt safe. She felt at peace.

And now...

Stella gazed up at the ceiling of the hospital, her breath softly rushing in and out through the mask over her mouth. Sitting next to her was an angel, gently holding her hand. Warm red eyes caressed her, concern and affection plain in them, framed by a curtain of soft black hair.

"Shinn..."

He blinked, and smiled down at her. He reached out and lightly ran his fingers through her hair, a soft, soothing sensation that made her smile and lean into his touch. "Yes Stella? What is it?"

"I..." What had she meant to say? She tried to remember what it was. Her mind was a gaping black hole most of the time, a dark haze, and empty void. "Where...where were you, before you...came here?"

Shinn's brow furrowed, and he sat in silence for a moment as he puzzled out what she meant by that. "You mean...where my home is?"

That was it! She nodded, pleased with herself. "Yes...h...home."

Her happiness melted immediately when a sad look crossed Shinn's handsome face. Her angel hesitated for a moment before saying, "Well, my home is up in the stars now. But...a long time ago, I used to live on an island. Like the one we met on."

"You used to?" Stella whispered. "What happened?"

"Well..." Shinn shook his head, and alarm crossed his face when he saw Stella's anxious expression. "Oh, Stella, it's nothing – I was just lost in memories. I have a perfectly lovely home now. I live among the stars, in the colonies. It's as if I can reach out and touch them, sometimes."

"Touch the...stars?" Stella found herself smiling at the image. "That...sounds nice. Are there...stars out now?"

"Yeah, of course." Shinn shot her a furtive, and sneaky, look. It was the look of someone who was about to cheerfully disobey what someone had told him to do; a look every child has expressed at least once. "Would you like to see them?"

Stella's eyes brightened, and she nodded enthusiastically. "Yes! Yes, I would like to look at the stars with Shinn. That...that would be so n-nice."

Talking took her breath away. Or maybe it was Shinn who took her breath away? Stella couldn't really tell. But Shinn smiled and got up and wheeled her bed out of the infirmary and took her into the elevator. Most of the crew were asleep, and he slipped past the one patrolman who was in the way. There wasn't much going on, since the Minerva was on its way to a port. Stella vaguely heard that they were meeting someone important there. Hence everyone's relaxed attitude.

Shinn opened the door and gently wheeled Stella out onto the deck. A grin split his face as she let out a happy gasp, sitting up in her bed to see it better.

Thousands upon thousands, uncountable numbers really, of beautiful silver bursts spread across the sky. They glowed, sparkled...she had never seen anything so marvellous...her heart was pounding fast, and yet it didn't hurt the way it usually did...

"Oh Shinn..."

"I know. It's pretty amazing." Shinn smiled and pointed upwards. "Can you see any shapes in the sky Stella?"

"Shapes?"

"Yeah, the constellations. Can you name any of them, Stella?"

Constellations? Strangely enough...that word rang a faint bell...it was a very distant memory. A very faint thought, it threatened to fade as she reached for it...she couldn't tell where it had come from...but...

"There." She pointed straight upwards, her arm trembling. Shinn reached out and gently took her hand, steadying it. "That one...the dipper. The big one."

"Yeah!" Shinn looked so pleased. "The big dipper. And over there...that's Andromeda." He pointed somewhere off to the right. "See how it kind of looks like a girl? There's a story behind that one. Would you like to hear it?"

Another thought. Another faint feeling of recognition. "It's...she was...cursed, wasn't she? No...that's not right. She...she was going to be sacrificed."

Shinn's eyes lit up, and Stella's heart felt like it would burst. It wasn't a painful sensation at all – it made her happy. So happy. "She was! An angry god had demanded that she be given up as a sacrifice because of the wickedness of her kingdom. She waited on a cliff to be devoured by the beast, only for a hero to sweep in and rescue her, killing the beast."

"A hero...like you?" Stella asked softly.

Shinn blushed fiercely, and took a few seconds to recover the power of speech. "I, I guess so."

Stella looked among the stars, her eyes seeking familiar shapes. Shinn helped her, pointing and gesturing and talking. Vague thoughts perked at the edges of her subconscious, helping her along, putting occasional words in her mouth.

Eventually Stella got tired. Shinn pulled the blanket up to her chin and began wheeling her bed back inside as she slowly fell asleep.

 ****~Line Break~****

" _Look mommy!" A tiny girl, maybe four or five, pointed eagerly at the sky. "The stars are out! Come on, let's go count them!"_

 _A gentle, wheezing laugh. "You can't count_ all _the stars, sweetie. There's too many of them!"_

 _The girl swelled up indigently and said, "Sure I can! I'll count all of them. And one day, I'll go up, bring one down from the sky and make it into a necklace for you!"_

 _Soft, fragile hands wrapped around her shoulders. This was a hug; it was different from Shinn's, but it radiated warmth and security all the same. "That would be wonderful, my little angel. Don't forget to bring one for yourself, too. Then we'll match!"_

" _Yup!"_

 _The small blonde child leaned back in her mother's arms. They both stared up at the sky, the distant crashing of the waves against the beach the only thing to disturb the silence._

 ****~Line Break~****

" _What's wrong, mommy?"_

 _Wide magenta eyes stared at the bed. A tall, slender figure lay in it, pale as a ghost. The woman smiled weakly and tried to speak, but her eyes widened and she was seized by a violent coughing fit. Mortified, the little girl ran to her side and squeezed her hand._

" _Mommy!"_

 _The coughing slowly subsided, and the woman looked contritely at her daughter. "I'm sorry, Stella. Mommy isn't...isn't feeling very well. I don't know if I can take you out today."_

 _The little girl shook her head, crawling onto the bed and burrowing under the woman's arm. "I don't mind mommy! We'll watch TV together instead." She reached out and pulled the drawer open, revealing a black remote._

 _The woman smiled and gave the little girl an amused look. "And how did you know that was where I put it?" She asked with mild reprimand._

 _The girl blanched; she had forgotten that her mother had hidden the remote away because she had been watching TV late at night instead of going to sleep. She had managed to find it after some searching, but she hadn't meant to reveal that. "Ah...I can explain..."_

 _After a few seconds, the woman laughed and squeezed the little girl to her side. "You're a smart little one, aren't you? You're going to be able to do all sorts of wonderful things when you get older."_

 ****~Line Break~****

" _Mommy?"_

" _What is it, Stella?"_

" _What's a space monster?"_

 _The slender woman looked at her little girl in alarm. "Who said that to you?"_

 _The little girl shrugged; she wasn't as upset as she could have been otherwise, since she didn't really understand what she had heard. She was thinking about it because the boy who'd heard the phrase_ had _been very upset. "Not to me, mommy. There were some boys at school who said it to someone else."_

 _The woman took a deep breath and knelt down in front of the girl. "Stella, 'Space Monster' is a very foul and cruel name used to describe coordinators. Your teacher taught you about them, right?"_

" _Yes mommy. They aren't human anymore, right?"_

" _NO!" The woman burst out angrily. Her child flinched and skittered away from her; her expression became soft again. "I'm sorry, love. I didn't mean to shout." She placed her hands on her daughter's shoulders, her sweet, impressionable daughter who shouldn't be taught hatred like this, and finished with a serious look in her eyes, "But that's_ wrong _, Stella. Coordinators are still human; they've just had changes made to their bodies that make them stronger and smarter than they would have been otherwise."_

" _O-Oh..." The little girl thought about that for a minute, before her face screwed up with confusion. "Is...that a bad thing?"_

" _No, sweetie. It's just a choice made for them when they were born, by their parents."_

" _...I don't understand. Then why didn't the teacher say so?"_

 _Her mother pulled her into a hug. "Because some people are jealous of those who can do what they can't," she explained softly. "They put them down and treat them as different so they can feel better about themselves."_

" _But...but that's so stupid!"_

" _I know, darling. Promise me you won't ever say that, okay?"_

" _I promise, mommy."_

 ****~Line Break~****

Stella woke up roughly twenty four hours later, still feeling exhausted and wrung out like an old dishcloth. The withdrawal from the gamma drug wasn't as rapid as it was for the original three Extended, but the symptoms were the same. Deep sleep becomes impossible, the body experiences bursts of burning pain, before eventually giving out under the strain. It was dark, and the doctor that was often hovering around her was gone.

She was alone.

"Shinn?" She rasped, looking around. The room was empty. "Shinn...?"

Where was he? He was always there with her.

Stella turned her head to the right, unable to move and lie on her side thanks to the restraints still pinning her arms and legs to the bed. Frowning, she began twisting her arms in the leather, meaning to escape and go find him. Where was her Shinn? He couldn't be hurt, right? He wouldn't just up and leave her. No, he promised. He would never stop protecting her. It must be the people here...like the Doctors back in that place... They were keeping her from him...

She hissed in discomfort as she pulled and bent her wrists in the restraints; the leather was burning her skin the harder she tugged. The ropes were tight and professionally done. However, Stella was not an Extended for nothing. She _would_ get out of them.

After seething, struggling and thrashing for what felt like forever, Stella finally got her left arm free – dislocating her wrist in the process, but that was easy to fix! Feeling more than a little pleased with herself, Stella reset the limb and untied her other arm, and then her legs in short order. Tossing the buckles aside, she stood up – and nearly fell over; her legs were numb and shaky without the drug to keep her strong. Stumbling, Stella forced herself to stand up right and walked, one foot in front of the other, towards the door and hit the activation key several times before it slid open.

Leaning heavily on the wall to steady herself, Stella stepped out into the hallway...and immediately hit upon a problem. The hall was long and went both ways. She could see an elevator, low lights, and nothing resembling a map.

Where was she? Where was she supposed to go? Where would Shinn be?

Stella shivered violently; her body objected to this adventure. What would she do if the other monsters here found her?

" _Promise me you won't ever call anyone that, darling."_

Stella blinked. That thought...she'd heard it in her dream...

Who had said it to her? ...Her mother?

"Mo...ther...?"

 _I promise, mommy._

...not to call people monsters...

Shaking her head slightly, unsure, Stella pressed herself against the wall and looked around. Eventually she decided to try and get to the elevator – one step at a time. Slowly she inched towards it, listening acutely for any sign that her escape from the hospital room had been raised. So far it seemed that it hadn't, which was odd – the last time she tried to get out of bed without permission (last time? What last time?) alarms were blaring the moment she pushed the door open-

The thought caused her to seize up. Memories of pitch black hallways, being tied to a metal gurney, laughter and masked skeletons and needles and being trapped. Pain and fear, locked up in the dark, away from everything, forgetting everything, loosing bits and pieces of herself until there was nothing left-

She collapsed. Again. It hurt less since she was semi expecting it, or maybe it was because the psychosomatic pain crashing through her mind was so omnipresent she barely registered anything else. Her chest heaved as broken sobs forced their way out, the hallway around her twisting and writhing until it transformed into the black hell that was Lodonia. This time, however...this time she didn't cry out for help, or out of fear. Something inside her rejected that. She simply curled up, refusing to show any fear, simply gritting her teeth and crying in relative silence as she mentally prepared herself to be drugged, to loose herself in the darkness and the pain.

Footsteps. _And here are the doctors._ Stella braced herself as best she could.

"What the-?!" The footsteps sped up, then paused, then there was a rustle and someone was kneeling down in front of her. "How did you-? You fell? Look at me, please – are you alright?"

Stella's mind went mercifully blank. _Are you alright?_ What sort of question was that? "Shinn?" She wondered, before looking up and meeting the not-doctor's eyes.

No, this wasn't Shinn. It was a different boy, slightly taller, possibly the same age or close to it. Her blurry eyes fixated on what looked like a silver bird's wing, on the right shoulder of his uniform. It was the only thing that differentiated it from Shinn's. _He must be the Commander. Like Neo._ Stella grew cold inside, _He will be furious that I managed to get out of the room. Maybe he won't let Shinn see me anymore._ A desolate hole formed in her chest at the thought.

"Please, say something. Are you hurt?" The boy repeated. He didn't sound angry. He sounded...kind of worried. Almost like Shinn, but different.

"I'm always hurt," Stella responded quietly. "Always."

The young man's expression twisted for a moment, rage and sadness in equal measure – a look Stella was unfamiliar with. He hissed something she didn't understand, something that sounded vile, and she shed away from him.

He reached out as if to touch her, then hesitated, and instead asked, "Where were you trying to go?" There was an odd cadence to the question – as if he already had a theory, and was simply seeking confirmation.

"I..." Stella pulled her legs closer to her chest. She wasn't sure she trusted this person. "I...I was alone..." She nodded towards the door. "No one was there."

"The doctor went ashore to restock supplies," The commander explained. "Lunamaria was supposed to be on call to watch you, but everyone's tired since-" He halted abruptly, before finishing, "-since our last operation. I guess she hasn't gotten here yet..."

Stella didn't answer that. Her breathing came out raggedly. She wondered why they hadn't left her at Lodonia. She couldn't imagine she was a very useful prisoner. Extended were disposable. (Who had said that?) And if she had been captured by monsters...except...

What if they weren't monsters?

The thought brought Stella up short. She looked up slowly, meeting the commander's eyes for the first time. The emerald green orbs were fixed on her arms, badly burned and scraped from escaping the leather straps. "I guess I shouldn't be surprised you got out of those..." He mused, half to himself. "You've probably been tied down like that before."

Stella nodded slowly.

"Look, you shouldn't be trying to walk around on your own," The commander said awkwardly; he wasn't very talented at offering comfort or support – at least not verbally. He was a kind man but had difficultly expressing himself. "The doctor hopes that a different treatment will help you more, but you shouldn't strain yourself while you're waiting. Here...I'll help you get back to the room."

Stella shield away and pressed herself against the wall. "N-No! Please...I don't want to stop feeling anymore! I'll stay, I'll be good, please, I don't want to forget. I don't want to forget him! I loose part of me every time you put me under, please, _please-_!"

The hysteria built in her throat until it was all she could do not to wail and scream her pleas; the hallway tilted violently as she sucked in short sharp breaths between words, even though she knew they hated it when she begged.

She pressed her knees close to her face. "Don't lock me up in the dark," She sobbed softly. "Don't make me forget who I am."

The commander paused. Anger flashed through his eyes again, it must be because she was making a nuisance of herself...then it bled out and he just looked worried. Stella was starting to get a headache from this; why were all these people so strange? At least the doctors at Lodonia had been consistent.

Nevertheless, the young man seemed to come to a decision all at once. Standing up, he left Stella where she was and walked over to the wall. Tapping it, he asked, "Shinn? Shinn, are you awake?"

Stella's head snapped up in pure surprise. He wasn't going to hurt her? He wasn't angry? He didn't mind that she was crying...? He was asking for Shinn?

"...No, we're not under attack. It's the girl – yeah, she's out of her room, I don't know how – I think she's looking for you – yeah, don't worry. I'll stay with her."

The commander switched the system off and returned to the wall where Stella was lying. She looked up at him in awe. "I'll see if there's some sort of low light that we can leave on in the hospital." He offered. "If it helps calm your nerves."

"...Who are you?" Stella wondered aloud.

He looked surprised, and then smiled reassuringly as best he could. "Athrun Zala. I work with Shinn on board this ship."

"Athrun..." Stella echoed, trying the name out. When he didn't get angry, when he looked relieved that she seemed comfortable speaking to him, she found herself smiling.

Athrun dutifully remained with her for a quiet three minutes, at which point the elevator chimed and Shinn hurtled out of the doorway nearly crashing into the wall in his haste. Stella brightened and reached out for him; he ran to her side and gently picked her up, bridal style. "Oh Stella. I'm sorry you woke up alone." He said.

His hour long apology broke off into a stutter as Stella pressed against him, nestling into his embrace so her head rested against his heart. She missed the understanding look that Athrun threw at Shinn's back as the redcoat carefully carried her back into the infirmary.

Shinn was about to put her down when Stella grabbed at his shoulder. "It's so bare here," she whispered. "So silent. I keep thinking I'm back-" she stopped. She didn't want to say the name, invoke more of those awful memories. She didn't want the memories those people had given her. "-...can you stay? For a little?"

He nodded, not wanting to say anything – he didn't want to frighten her with his anger. It was always there; bubbling in his veins and under his skin, flaring up every time he thought the world might get better only to discover yet more atrocities. Before he just wanted the Earth Alliance beaten. Now he wanted to destroy it, burn it down and salt its ashes. No organization that condoned things like this deserved to exist; whether headed by naturals or coordinators. So instead he walked to the side bunk, built into the wall, and sat down on it, leaning against the thin pillow and balancing her in his lap.

"Shinn?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you get in trouble for worrying about me?"

"No." He said, shaking his head. Well, maybe that wasn't entirely true – the Captain, while all genuinely sympathetic to Stella and willing to bring her to ZAFT in hopes of saving her, would prefer that Shinn not zero in on her as completely as he had. Shinn was guiltily aware of his tendencies towards insubordination; though technically he wasn't much worse than other redcoats had been in his shoes (frankly, Yzak Joule had been much more flagrant, for much weaker reasons, and had never been disciplined until after the war was over) so he'd returned to his regular schedule to give her one less thing to worry about. "I'm just more busy...we're getting close to a tricky place to navigate."

"Oh." Stella nuzzled his chest as she sifted through what that statement meant, exactly. Shinn blushed lightly, adjusting his hold on her so one arm surrounded her shoulders. "You'll protect me, Shinn?"

"Yeah. Always." He promised, and he meant it; it was a reckless thing to do in war, but he'd never been a cautious person.

"Then...then promise...I'll never have to go back to Lodonia?"

Shinn tensed at the name; he knew that damned place would be haunting his nightmares for the foreseeable future and he'd never been a prisoner there. He hoped he wasn't about to trigger another panic attack. "It's been destroyed. You'll never go back there. I promise."

"Destroyed?" Stella shuddered, her fingers digging into his chest. Whether it was fear or from going cold turkey wasn't clear, though it was probably both. "How?"

"I don't know." Shinn said cautiously. _That's funny...I think she's more coherent than before. She didn't ask questions, or wonder...is it because the drugs are wearing off?_ "Everyone had left when we got there." It wasn't a total lie...everyone alive had left. "The Captain thinks there was a mutiny."

Stella made a small noise, like musing. "I'm tired, Shinn."

"Then get some sleep." Shinn urged, stroking her hair. "I'm right here. I'll protect you."

Stella sighed softly and raised her head to look at him. Her violet eyes were dull and drained, but her lips pulled into a tentative smile so at odds with her former body language that it lit up her face in spite of that. "I know." Then she lay against his shoulder, her breathing softening as she relaxed.

Shinn inhaled a shaky breath; Stella's scent filling his senses as he did so. She felt so fragile in his arms. They had hauled all the data from Lodonia that they could, including all the drugs and such that were used on the test subjects – Captain Gladys intended to present all of it to Chairman Durandel when they arrived at their next destination. Shinn hoped that the Chairman would then let the whole living world know what those Earth Alliance bastards were capable of. Stella deserved that much.

Now the doctors just had to reverse engineer a cure out of all that tragedy...

 **End Chapter**

 _ **So this is our opening - Stella's still at her lowest, but being separated from Roanoke is causing her to remember things...this isn't just a shipping fic, it's character driven for Stella - as she takes back her identity and sense of self even in the face of what the EA did...and bringing some retribution in along for the ride. Shinn is the secondary protagonist (obviously) and he'll be changing along with her - don't expect him to get screwed over for Saint Kira here.**_

 _ **Read and Review please!**_


	2. Chapter 2

**Stella Dies Free**

 _ **University: I'm surprised you have time for this.**_

 _ **Me: If I don't do something else sometimes, you'll eat my brain.**_

 _ **University: Hehe. You think I haven't already?**_

 _ **Me: !**_

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Seed Destiny**

 **Chapter 2: Memories**

" _Mama, look look!"_

 _Her mother laughed, that gentle, slightly wheezing noise that always warmed her heart. Stella kicked her feet against the sofa and frantically waved the older woman over, all without looking away from the television. It was a figure skating competition; a young girl in a red dress was elegantly sweeping from one end of the rink to the other, to the sounds of beautiful music. Stella had never seen anything so beautiful. "Oh yes. Marvelous, isn't it?"_

" _She's dancing. On_ ice! _" Stella turned towards her. "Can I learn to do that, mama? Dance on ice?"_

 _She smiled back at her daughter. "You are already my little dancer. Of course you can. You can do anything you put your brilliant mind to."_

 _Stella cheered and wrapped her arms around her mother's stomach, taking care not to hug too hard because sometimes mama had trouble breathing..._

Stella woke abruptly. She blinked a few times before the ceiling of the _Minerva's_ infirmary came into focus. Shinn was gone, again, but his jacket was wrapped around her shoulders, supporting her neck and head. The doctor and nurse were talking quietly, bent over a series of charts. For a second she thought they were the Lodonia monsters...but no, she remembered them. They were there when Shinn was there. So they couldn't be monsters.

She let out a tiny, relieved sigh. Then she noticed she was tied down at the wrists and ankles again. Her heart sank. She was always tied down in Lodonia. Being tied down meant the needles were coming...

"Why?" She asked plaintively.

The doctor jumped out of his skin before spinning towards her. The nurse was no less surprised. She hadn't spoken to them at all before. Stella flinched, no less surprised than them when she realized she had spoken, and quickly buried her face in her pillow. She focused on keeping the tears away. Why were they going to give her needles? She had been good, hadn't she?

"What is it?" The nurse asked after a second. Stella tried to brace herself. "Is something wrong?"

Wait. They were talking to her? Was something _wrong_? Stella blinked, slowly lifting her head from the pillow. Yes, the woman was looking at her and asking _her_ that question.

What should she say? Complaining was never welcome. But if you _didn't_ answer when they talked to you, that made them angry too. Stella stewed on her potential response for several moments, wrestling with her fear and the desire to get out of these stupid binders. Eventually, she settled on pointedly shaking her wrists in the restraints.

"Oh." The nurse looked...what? What was with that funny expression? She seemed sad. "Those are to keep you from hurting yourself."

Stella looked blankly at her. _Huh?_ That didn't make any sense. Hurt herself? Why would _that_ matter? The nurse's funny face intensified, and she looked away for a moment. "If...if you continue to respond positively to the environment and treatment, we can have them removed."

...So they would remove them? It wasn't permanent. Not Lodonia. The monsters would never release her until it was time to break things. She nodded, to show she understood. The doctor smiled for a moment; he seemed pleased.

Stella ceased tugging at the restraints after that, and instead tried to think about her dreams. The dreams she'd been having ever since Shinn rescued her. _I had a mother,_ she thought, _I had mother, like Auel back at Lodonia...mother was sick, wasn't she? But...but if I had my mother, why did I end up in Lodonia?_

She squeezed her eyes shut, trying to summon more images, more fragments that might tell her the truth. Of course, her mind remained a black hole, and trying to draw from within it hurt. _Mother wouldn't have sent me there. No. Mother loved me. Mother never would have let them hurt me. Then why?_ Why _?_

Maybe she needed to fall asleep again? Stella shuffled on the gurney, trying to get comfortable. Her muscles ached in protest of her every movement; her head hurt, though much less so than yesterday (she didn't know she'd been injected with morphine while she was asleep – in fact, the doctor figured it would be best to give her most of her medicine while she was asleep. Needles were likely associated with the EA doctors, and the less they triggered traumatic memories, the better) and the rest of her body felt numb, like she'd been twisted into a pretzel at one point, left like that for a few hours, and then disentangled in time to run for several miles. She'd been given a blanket during the night, though it had been removed for examination.

Why did everything have to hurt all the time?

Stella bit her lip. She was Extended. She wasn't supposed to care about pain. (She wasn't supposed to care about anything). Why was it bothering her now?

Was Auel in pain? Or Sting? Auel had been thrashing and panicking when she left. Did they fix him? Did they make him feel better?

Stella froze when something occurred to her. Auel and Sting were flying the other two Gundams. What if they attacked the _Minerva_? Or Shinn or Athrun? She shuddered at the thought, fear prickling in her stomach. They'd _never_ won before. They were Phantom Pain, they weren't supposed to loose, but they never won. Shinn was a hero; Athrun was probably a hero too, if he was Shinn's superior. Heroes never lost. All the stories proved that.

Where were Auel and Sting right now? Were they okay, were they hurting, did they remember her? Were they worrying about her, like she was worrying about them? They were the only people she had been allowed to remember...

"...think it will offset some of the damage to her nervous system, but it's not a permanent fix. I need more information...if only half the data from Lodonia hadn't been deleted..."

Stella blinked and tilted her head towards the doctor. He was speaking in a hushed voice to the nurse...he was talking about her. They wanted to fix her? They were going to try to fix her? That was...only Neo had ever fixed her. She closed her eyes, hoping it wouldn't look like she was listening.

"...may be able to reconstruct _something_ from it...at least create a delay...biggest medical facility is in Eurasia, would make contact problematic..."

 _Eurasia._ Wasn't Phantom Pain supposed to have a mission in Eurasia? Stella frowned; Neo had said something like that, she was sure of it...Oh, but she wasn't supposed to tell. Neo wouldn't want her to tell anyone. She bit her lip again.

"...speak to the Captain, when she has a moment."

Stella hadn't seen the Captain yet. She had the odd thought that she probably should have been – what? Interrogated? – by this point. (not that an Extended would have had anything useful to offer. They were expendable suicide bombers, nothing more) Briefly she wondered if the Captain was another Neo, like Athrun.

She wondered if Athrun would come to visit her, like Shinn.

 ****~Line Break~****

Stella was ready to loose her mind.

She didn't know _why;_ precisely. She'd never been left idle for long; she was always woken for her missions and spent most of the rest of her hours in a drugged up medical coma, to repress her memories and reprogram her. She'd never really been left with hours to herself until the day she met Shinn. And even then, technically, she'd been on a mission – to scout out the island, see what the standing military strength was, and report back. She'd never been left without commands, without a looming threat. Except now, she didn't have any of those things to think about. She should be, if not _relaxed,_ then at least somewhat comfortable.

Instead she felt like she was going to go out of her gourd if she spent another hour stuck to this stupid bed, left with nothing to do but think and drive herself crazy asking questions she had no answers to. (like _where is my mother?,_ or _why did I go to Lodonia?_ , or _why did these people look like monsters when they weren't?_ , or her favorite, _what do I do now?_ ) She -could- worm her way out of the restraints again, but that would count against 'good behavior', and she'd be stuck with them for longer.

Resisting the urge to bang her head against the back of the gurney – she was restless, damn it, restless – Stella tried to drag her mind off the looming, dark questions hanging over her to literally anything else. She tapped her fingers against the metal railing beneath the thin mattress, slowly drawing out a pattern. Like the core of a song? A song she'd heard a long time ago...

" _...I see the angels, I'll lead them to you door...no escape now, no words no more..."_

An image blinked in front of Stella's closed eyes. The little blonde girl – who was both her and not her, because she couldn't remember _being_ her – was swaying in the middle of the living room; the couch had been pushed back and the extra chair removed. The girl jumped to the right, spun in a circle...she was dancing...

" _...no remorse, for I still remember..."_

Suddenly the room shattered, turning into a small, dark cell where the girl was curled up around something...someone...her hands were hot and sticky with something thick, golden hair slicked red, a wheezing whisper fading away-

" _...the smile when you tore me apart."_

Stella would have sat bolt upright if it weren't for the restraints, a faint scream escaping her lips. The image faded as quickly as it had dashed across her mind.

She took deep, gulping breaths, ignoring how her chest ached with effort to do so. That was...she shuddered. Her stomach seemed to be twisting itself into a knot. Fear chased the memory away. Not that song. Definitely not that song. She had other songs, didn't she? Trembling, she shifted in her bed again when the doors slid open, revealing Shinn. He had a tray of food with him.

"Dinner," He explained softly.

Stella looked at him in wonder – that was for her? All of it? – as he pulled a chair over and undid the restraints for her arms. She sat up, eyeing the tray; it included water and a dish full of noodles. Soft food, in other words (just in case her stomach rejected it). She tore into it with enthusiasm – she hadn't even realized she was hungry. (when was the last time she remembered eating a meal? Was it when she, Sting and Auel were alone in the house on the island?)

"Sorry I didn't come sooner; after patrol Rey got me talking about something and I lost track of time," Shinn said.

Stella eyed him quizzically. "Rey?" She echoed.

"Oh; Rey is my best friend, and one of the ZAKU pilots. The other one is Lunamaria." Shinn explained. "I met them both at the ZAFT academy, and we've been close ever since. They..." he paused just for a second, "they're here to watch my back."

"I haven't seen them," Stella noted through a mouthful of pasta. Her mind chattered at her. Shouldn't she be worried? Oh, but why would she be? Shinn liked them. They were Shinn's friends, so they couldn't be monsters.

"Well, we didn't want to overwhelm you." Shinn said apologetically. "How does the food taste?"

Stella smiled sweetly at him. "It's good. It's very good, thank you." She finished the tray and took the glass of water, slipping slowly. "I can actually taste it."

Shinn smiled in turn, though it was slightly strained. His fingers tensed and then relaxed, adding this sentence as kindling to the fire that raged in his heart. The rage that was nearly a living thing beneath his skin. Those people would pay for this, would pay for destroying this beautiful girl, if he had to scorch the fucking earth to ensure it. Some people only spoke one language, one that Shinn had learned well after his family died. When the dust finally settled, no one would attempt something like this while he was alive. He could guarantee that.

Stella took another drink and then looked contemplative. "Shinn? I think I remember my mother."

Shinn nearly jumped in surprise. "You do?"

Stella looked morose. "I...see things when I fall asleep. Little pieces of me I thought were long gone. And I see a woman I called mommy. She breathes funny, but she cared about me. But I don't know..." She frowned down at the floor. "I don't know where she went."

 _She's starting to remember things? Must go hand in hand with the drugs wearing off..._ The thought worried him; there was so much trauma at Lodonia he hoped that "Can you remember her name?"

The blonde sadly shook her head. "No." She looked pensive. "I wanted to dance, when I was little. Dance on ice. Mother said I could, it made her smile. ...I haven't had the chance."

He gently took her free hand and said, "Hey; when you feel better, there's no reason you can't." Her eyes brightened.

"Shinn? Can...Can I have music?"

"Yeah, of course. No problem."

 _ ****~Line Break~****_

"Look to him," Lunamaria whispered from her place in the doorway. Shinn had brought Stella out of the hospital up to the deck; they were sitting together at the railings near the water, sharing a mobile music device. The female Extended was so sedate around him that the Captain was willing to allow her free roam as long as he was right beside her at all times. Shinn had thanked her profusely and immediately gone to Meryin, asking if she could let him access her music playlist. "It's like he's a totally different person."

"Not different...just calm." Rey corrected her, regarding Shinn with an odd expression on his face. "For some reason, when he's with her, the anger he's always fighting with dies to a simmer." His brow furrowed. "Perhaps it's because she's so vulnerable? Is it just that he can and will protect her?"

"You think it has something to do with what happened to his family?" Lunamaria asked in a hushed voice. Shinn, for all he was sincerely affectionate towards them both, immediately turned to stone when the subject came up. Luna still didn't know exactly what had happened to them – just that it had happened on Onogoro island, and it was the root reason for his prickly-at-best attitude towards his former home and the Princess.

"He doesn't treat her like family." Rey mused, watching them. Lousieer had started bobbing to the beat of whatever song they were listening to, and while he couldn't see Shinn's face he had a feeling his friend was smiling. From the description of how they met, Rey was fairly confident Shinn had fallen in love the moment he laid eyes on the girl. It didn't even strike the clone as that strange; Shinn was a creature of emotional extremes.

"Heh, I'm surprised you noticed," Luna said playfully. Rey started out of his thoughts and turned towards her. "Oh, don't look at me like that. You're usually completely blind and deaf when it comes to this. You never even figured out Kristen from Statistics had a crush on you until I told you, _two years later_." She grinned at him. "It's both refreshing and kind of ridiculous, you know."

"I..." Rey was taken aback for a second, before recovering. "It's not like that. I just know Shinn; he's not a hard man to read." _I had noticed,_ he added silently, _but a damaged clone who will die before his twenty fifth birthday has nothing to offer her. So I pretended I didn't._

Lunamaria sighed. "I wish Athrun was that easy to understand," She said ruefully. "I think he's still not sure what to make of any of us. ...And I have a feeling I don't really know him yet, either."

Rey felt an odd prickling feeling in his heart. "Commander Zala is a legendary pilot," he said, "but that doesn't mean he doesn't have his weaknesses. Luna, I know you admire him, but you have to remember that he is a legend, but also a man. And men can be laid low by any number of things."

Lunamaria opened her mouth to say something, hesitated, and then furrowed her brow. "I...huh. I wonder...can I just ask? Would he accept that?"

Some small part of Rey wished she wouldn't. He didn't acknowledge it.

 ****~Line Break~****

Stella lay back down on the bed, peacefully allowing the doctor to strap her back down. Shinn frowned, not liking the idea of leaving her tied up, but seeing her accept it without visible fear helped his nerves. She was still humming one of Meyrin's songs, an old country tune about a girl trashing her cheating boyfriend's truck. She didn't really understand the lyrics but she enjoyed the tune and the tone. She squeezed his arm before lying down to go to sleep.

As he left the infirmary, Shinn made up his mind to try and track down Stella's mother. It would be difficult with all of Stella's personal data eliminated (standard procedure when it came to Extended) but there was probably something, somewhere, that still existed. The Internet was a formidable opponent, after all.

 _She was playing in the garden, practicing the steps the dance instructor had shown her. She was so excited at the thought of the recital; hopefully her mother would feel well enough to go to it. She hopped over the fence and spun in a circle, tapping her shoes against the ground. She didn't see the black van with an interchangeable license plate pull to a stop a few feet away or the man who stepped out of it until a hand wrapped around her mouth and lifted her off the ground, dragging her into darkness._

 _Faintly she heard her mother crying out. Then there was nothing._

 **End Chapter**

 _ **I figure the kids who were in the Extended Program were either street rats no one cared about, or kids abducted from lower income areas so no one would wonder where they disappeared to, if anyone. Stella falls into the latter catagory; Sting was probably a street kid. Auel was unique in that his mother was actually involved with the project itself.**_

 _ **Read and Review please!**_


	3. Chapter 3

**Stella Dies Free**

 _ **Me: (frowns down at something on the desk)**_

 _ **Shinn: The University is still on strike?**_

 _ **Me: Yeah...I have to figure out what to do because of all that.**_

 _ **Shinn: Well, at least you don't have to wake up before dawn on Friday?**_

 _ **Me: (chuckles) True.**_

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam SEED/Destiny.**

 **Chapter 3: Talia's Musings**

Stella Lousieer had woken up screaming.

Captain Talia Gladys had heard about it second hand, and then watched the video footage. The female Extended had slept for about six hours before suddenly crying out bloody murder, waking half the ship. She got out of her restraints in about five minutes, fortunately the doctor had the sense to summon Lieutenant Asuka when she started panicking. If they hadn't tied her down, she likely would have killed someone; again Talia had some doubts over her decision to keep the unstable girl on board. Watching the blonde scream incoherent rage and grief (the noises didn't sound human, the girl practically threw out her voice), nearly destroying her wrists and ankles as she tore them out of the leather bonds...it left her wondering, had they in fact found her in time to help her? Or would it have been more humane to give her a lethal dose of morphine (and she had given that option serious consideration) than to allow her to linger in constant agony?

Then Shinn had arrived and grabbed her, pulling her into a hug. And like _magic,_ Lousieer abruptly collapsed against him, burying her head in his chest – completely passive. Shinn stroked her hair, muttered plenty of soothing nonsense, and kept asking her what was wrong until she spoke. Apparently she had remembered being abducted from her home for the Lodonia program; she wanted to know what they had done with her mother.

Talia highly doubted Lousieer was going to like the answer to that question, should her pilots succeed in tracking it down. (She knew that Zala had used his Faith status to send two official information brokers on the job.)

Watching Shinn handle Lousieer...Talia rather felt like she'd missed a step regarding him. She had his background data (his entire family was listed as deceased; he's simply had nowhere else to go when Orb was occupied) and his records from the academy. She'd viewed him for a long time as a similar case to Yzak Joule – incredibly talented and arrogant because of it, with a chip on his shoulder aggravated by any failure and weakness. He had friends he cared about, though he never listened when they suggested he reign himself in. And, with time and experience, he would (hopefully) mellow into a more proper soldier.

Now...watching him gently comfort and reassure Lousieer, Talia realized she had assumed too much. Shinn _was_ empathetic. He knew what to do, he offered her comfort, stability. And this wasn't unique to this moment either, she realized with some reflection. Lunamaria Hawke had been comforted by him after her first live kill; the engineers wouldn't stop going on about how friendly he was and how he worried over them during combat, and Zala had seemed to have switched gears from treating him as an insubordinate to awkwardly trying to act as a role model. Shinn had plenty of _warm_ feelings.

Comparing that Shinn to the person he became on the battlefield, or whenever Orb came up in conversation...it was jarring, to say the least.

"What am I missing about you, Shinn Asuka?" She wondered aloud. "What have I not done that I should have?"

Talia leaned back in her chair and sighed. Being emotionally tone deaf is somewhat necessary when you're a Captain. You have to remember the needs of the many. You have to do things you may not want to. You have to accept that people under your command will suffer and sometimes die. All soldiers in high command have to create an emotional vacuum within themselves in order to do this. But right now, she felt like doing so was a mistake.

She needed to look at Shinn's psyche profile. She may need to have him reassessed entirely. She sent a notice to this effect to the Academy mere moments after coming to this conclusion, or else she would have found a (perfectly reasonable, seemingly) reason to put it off in favor of something else.

For that matter, what about Athrun? Was he ever assessed to begin with? When ZAFT was first organized, everything had been somewhat haphazard with only very basic structures applied; hence why there was much looser organization among themselves in comparison to the Earth Alliance. And since defense of themselves and the colonies was their highest priority, things like psychological care were added last minute, part way through the war. She thought about Athrun's frequent silences, his uncertainly, and suddenly she thinks that he never spoke to anyone about the war, about his experiences...or his losses.

Talia generally tries not to swear, but in that moment she sat forward and let out a few choice words she learned at the academy years ago. She needed those profiles, _and_ she needed to hire a psychiatrist to stay aboard the ship until further notice. Lousieer needed one before she killed someone. God damn it, she should have hired someone the moment she learned "I lost my entire family because of the Athha's!" had left Shinn's mouth. This _had_ to constitute criminal negligence of some sort on her part. She pinched the bridge of her nose; self-recriminations could wait. Doing something _now_ was better than not doing anything at all. Hopefully.

She wrote a second letter straight to Gilbert, asking after Athrun's history. She hoped the young Faith agent wouldn't consider this an invasion of his privacy; his well being took precedence, but she didn't want to alienate him either.

It's fortuitous, then, that mere minutes after she finished the requests and sent them off (she's asking for a list, and video introductions, of any psychiatrist who's willing to answer her. She doesn't have nearly as much time as she needs or wants.), she gets a video message from Gilbert. She knows he couldn't have responded that fast, so she wonders what it's about.

" _Hello, Captain Gladys,_ " He said, and it still felt strange to hear him call her that instead of _Talia_. She knew he wanted to call her that by the look in his eyes when he says her rank instead. " _I received your progress report, and I'm grateful that you managed to preserve the information and location of Lodonia. I would also like to speak with the Extended girl you rescued, if doing so would be at all possible and not a detriment to her continued recovery."_

Speak to her? Oh, Gilbert was plotting again. Talia wondered if he intended to fold Lousieer's fate into his speech about LOGOs, should he ever actually make it, live on air for the world to see. She had no concrete evidence that Lodonia was one of their twisted projects, but given the sickeningly inhumane methods it required, she was willing to bet that even if they weren't directly involved, it still fell under their umbrella.

She glanced at the camera again. Lousieer was asleep in Shinn's arms; he was leaning against the wall, looking oddly peaceful and serene in contrast to how she'd so often seen him. _It depends on what you want to ask, Gilbert._ Talia thought. _You probably know that if she thinks too hard on what happened to her, she'll devolve into hysteria again. How are you framing this hypothetical conversation in your mind?_

Sometimes she wondered if it should worry her that Gilbert's mind was a dark steel trap that she couldn't accurately predict half the time. Usually the conclusion she came to was that methodical ruthlessness was frequently necessary in both war and politics.

But why did it require ruthlessness, the uprooting the current society, to ensure that a child wasn't tortured and drugged into a suicide bomber? Talia's mind drifted to the other two Extended, the ones who took _Abyss_ and _Chaos_ , wondering if they were volunteers or if they had been kidnapped just like Lousieer evidently had been. It was unlikely that a parent, however patriotic, would willingly submit their children to the horrific gene splicing and drug treatments. It was possible that they were street rats, but surely even ghetto children couldn't be openly treated this way without some protest. And more importantly (at least in the moment), what should she do about them now? It had always been ideal for the two stolen mobile suits to be retrieved, but Shinn's incidental run in with Stella was the only reason she responded positively to him.

Would he be able to wrangle the other two, should the _Minerva_ successfully capture them?

Talia rubbed the bridge of her nose. Fuck it. The last war had been about winning, about _survival,_ with little regard to what got burned down or destroyed in the process. Everyone on both sides had encouraged extremes. And what had that gotten them? Two years of tense peace before it started all over again, heedless to the fact you can't shoot holes in racism or resentment. The horrors of what happened hadn't been able to outweigh the bitterness, the _smug_ self righteousness where the people involved never _once doubted_ they were justified in every stupid, barbaric decision they made. If taking these _messed up child soldiers_ , detoxing them, and then making sure every idiot on and off this blue Earth knew what had happened to them – what had been _allowed_ to happen to them – would crack that haze, then she was going to bloody well go for it.

Shaking her head, she hit a button and began recording a response for Gilbert.

 **End Chapter**

 _ **I feel like Talia is a very underrated character - even by the standards of Destiny, which drops all its interesting characters halfway through in order to prop up Saint Kira. She shows more political savvy than Murrue had, and a little more ruthlessness. Plus she had an interesting relationship with Durandal and Rey. So she'll have plenty of interesting decisions to make in this story as well.**_

 _ **Read and Review please!**_


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